I find myself here...

now

2009-12-24T16:03:00.000-08:00

I will find peace.

I have lost all my pride.

all hope, faith, and promise is gone

I can lay and cry
and die

alone

like usual.

the time has come, i have reached the end.

2009-12-23T15:00:00.000-08:00

I cannot take it anymore.

i am very worried ...

2009-12-23T14:59:00.000-08:00

about me.

people my age

2009-12-11T14:04:00.000-08:00

have so much opportunity and potential

Personally I waste is away getting high and drunk.

So.... FUCK THAT!

I'm going to do a good deed everyday

be happy

and smoke less

hmmm?

2009-12-11T13:12:00.001-08:00

I didn't write this, so if this makes you mad, chill out.

"How can you believe in astrology?," my devout Christian friends have asked me. I tell them that astrology is not a belief system, but an archetypal, poetic language. I don't ask you if you believe in Japanese. I ask if you speak it. I don't ask you if you believe in music, I ask if you play it. I happen to speak the heavenly tongue of astrology along with thousands of other highly intelligent, inspiring, spiritual and even scientific astrologers.

Their skepticism persists due to what they've been taught about the Bible and so I decide to go into their home field and initiate the conversation about Biblical insights into astrology, one of my favorite topics.

"The Bible totally supports the practice of astrology," I boldly claim staring into horrified eyes.

"That's crazy," they say. "Astrology is the work of the Devil. You don't need the stars to direct your life, you just need Jesus."

"But, even Jesus respected the wisdom of the heavens," I say. "Let me see your Bible. I'll show you proof that astrology is a divinely bestowed gift to humanity." I open to the Psalms and begin reading verse 19:1-3, "The heavens declare the glory of God. The skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech. Night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard."

"That sounds to me like the heavens are supposed to speak, to declare insights, reveal knowledge and that no language even exists that does not contain the voice of the heavens."

"Okay, so one Psalm by King David says the heavens speak.God can speak through anything: people, places, events. It doesn't mean we have to govern our lives by the stars."

"But, it does indicate that we can have a conversation with eternal being through the motions of the heavens. The Bible speaks clearly about the purpose of the sun, moon and stars." I open to Genesis 1:14-18.

And God said, let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years: And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so. And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth and to rule over the day and over the night and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good

There you have it. Even in the King James Version. When I interpret charts I illuminate for clients their potential, both shadow and light, to help them accept their whole being and to help them live the full expression of their gifts. We also probe and improve on their weaknesses. When I look at the transits and progressions, I explain the qualities and potential of the seasons, days and years, giving guidance based on the motions and cycles of heavenly bodies reflecting psychological states and the flow of events. My aim is not to predict the future, but to help people live more fully in the present, navigating the currents of life with skill. We all have heard that to everything under the sun there is a season (Ecclesiastes 3:1-10). In Psalms 104:19 it says, "The moon marks off the seasons and the sun knows when to set." When I read a chart, whether it's for a person, city, nation, or event, I am using the heavens as the Bible says, to read the signs.

"Wow," the person says, still dismayed by my intense faith in astrology. "That's interesting."

"That's just the beginning," I continue. "Let's see how deep the rabbit hole goes. My study of astrology has given vital proof of divine intelligence behind the universe."

Mazzaroth, The Twelve Signs of the Zodiac

In Job, God asked his humble servant a series of questions involving the wondrous miracles performed. In Job 38:31-33, God asks, "Can you bind the sweet influences of the Pleiades or loose the bonds of Orion? Can you bring forth the Mazzaroth in their seasons? Or can you guide Arcturus with his sons? Do you know the principles of the heavens? Can you set their dominion over the earth?"

Thus, God is proclaiming that there are principles in the heavens and that they govern life on earth. Furthermore, God is responsible for bringing forth the Mazzaroth in their seasons. Most Bibles avoid translating this sacred word, Mazzaroth, because it literally means "the twelve signs of the zodiac" in Hebrew. So, God created the zodiac and brings them forth in their seasons. He explains that heavenly constellations like the Pleiades and Orion have influences that can be unleashed.

We don't have to be afraid of signs from the heavens. God speaks through them. In Judges 5:20 it describes the stars in battle. "They fought from the heaven. The stars in their courses fought against Ciceria." In Jeremiah 10:2 it says, "…do not be dismayed by signs from heaven." We need to be open to the realization of messages in the heavens. In Psalms 136:7-9, it says, "Who made the great lights? His love endures forever; the sun to govern the day, the moon and stars to govern the night." In Psalms 147:3-4 it says, "God heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name." The Hebrew word shem means name, a mark of character, individuality, honor and authority. Stars have all that, according to the Bible. Again, in Isaiah 40:26 we hear, "Lift your eyes on high and behold who has created these. He who brings forth the starry hosts by numbers one by one and calls them forth by character."

In Daniel 1:20 it says, "Daniel was given divine insight by God, even the ability to understand visions and dreams. In every matter of Babylonian wisdom and understanding, they (Daniel and his friends) were ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters in the whole kingdom." Thus, the followers of the Eternal One imprisoned in a land of astrologers cultivated the wisdom of the heavens that was ten times better than the average astrologer of the day.

In Psalms 89:35-37 God says, "I will not lie to David that his line will continue forever and his throne endure before me like the sun. It will be established forever like the moon, the faithful witness in the sky." God describes the moon here as the faithful witness in the sky. In astrology the moon governs daily emotional tides and colors events and moods by its changing position.

Rahab, The Planet Between Mars and Jupiter

In Job (one of the oldest Biblical texts) 26:12 it says that by, "God's wisdom he cut Rahab to pieces." Rahab is the ancient planet between Jupiter and Mars, which is now an asteroid field. The ancients recorded this planet in their star charts and created many myths about its mysterious destruction. The content of these stories always concerned the loss of the sacred feminine. In modern astrology we are attempting to heal this gap in consciousness by reintegrating the feminine archetypes into our work. In the original Hebrew both the masculine and feminine archetypes are equally respected and integrated into the symbols of their language.

The Hebrew word for light used when God says, "The sun, moon and stars were created for giving light on the earth," is aur. The Hebrew writers were well versed in the sacred language of archetypes. They were able to contemplate truth through symbol as each letter of their alphabet held an archetypal meaning. Aleph, the beginning letter of aur symbolizes unthinkable vibration, the sacred spirit of life, infinite potential and eternal possibility. Vav, the middle letter, symbolizes the process of divine fertilization emanating from the creative void. Raysh, the final letter, symbolizes the hidden movement of cosmic possibility as creation. Hidden in the letters of Hebrew light we discover its deeper meaning, the infinite potential of the sacred spirit fertilizing creation.

The first line of the Bible says, "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth." When you break it down into archetypal Hebrew it means the first fruits of the spirit aspiring to express eternity through a fountain of divine wisdom were the creation of the celestial dimensions and the manifest world. Now that casts a whole new light on Biblical translation. The Hebrew word for astrologer is ashaph which breaks down to the spirit communicates through the sacred flames.

The word aur, for light, means illumination, but also radiance, happiness and joy in the original Hebrew, just as night layil also means adversity, challenge and resistance. You hear the ancient root of light in words like aura, aurora, our own Uranus, the planet of divine intuition and in Ur, the ancient city of light, home of the legendary Abraham, father of the Hebrews in the land of Chaldea.

According to Berosus, a Chaldean historian and priest, in the tenth generation after the Biblical flood there was a man among the Chaldeans (astrologers) called Abram (later changed to Abraham) who mastered skill in the celestial language of the heavens.[1] Close to the beginning of the Age of Aries, two millennia before Christ, God called Abraham to migrate west to start the Hebrew civilization.

The Old Testament, from which I've been quoting, describes the Age of Aries from the perspective of the Hebrews. Terah, who was the father of Abraham, left Ur at that time. Ur was a flourishing port city, a center for trade between India and Egypt. To symbolize the Age, Abraham sacrificed God's provision, the ram. Across the world, bull sacrifices from the Age of Taurus were giving way to ram sacrifices as the equinoxes precessed and the quality of times changed. God became known as Jehovah, the warrior God, as Aries exemplifies the archetype of the warrior, pioneer and leader. It was a militant age of sacred ram veneration.

The Twelve Tribes

Abraham was a wise spiritual seeker, but also a brave warrior. Moses later became another fiery leader of this Age. They both studied the ancient sciences of the Egyptians and understood that the twelve signs of the Mazzaroth were the immortal thoughts of God that penetrate creation. The twelve tribes of Israel (Abraham's grandsons) are associated with the twelve signs of the zodiac. According to Jewish astrologers, the Hebrews accepted Deuteronomy 32:8 as proof of the fact that people are divided into twelve distinct personality types. It says, "When the Most High divided to the nations their inheritance, when he separated the sons of Adam, he set the boundaries of the people according to the number of the tribes of Israel." In astrology twelve archetypal forces divide people.

The characteristics of the twelve tribes were given both by Jacob in Genesis 49 when he blesses his sons and again in Deuteronomy 33 when Moses blesses the tribes. They correspond to the basic meanings of the twelve signs used today. God ordered Moses to have the twelve tribes camp around the holy tabernacle in the exact order of the zodiac with the entrance to the temple facing east. The four gateways to the camp were Judea, Rueben, Ephraim and Dan. These four tribes correspond to the exact description in Ezekiel and Revelations of the four living creatures before the throne of God, which were the lion, the bull, the man and the eagle. These four ancient symbols correspond to our own astrological signs of Leo, Taurus, Aquarius and Scorpio which contain the four royal stars of Persia, Regulus in Leo, Aldebaran in Taurus, Formalhaut in Aquarius, Antares in Scorpio.[2] God even directs Moses to have the tribes march through the desert starting with Judea (Leo) and going backwards towards the camps of Rueben (Taurus), Ephraim (Aquarius) and Dan (Scorpio). This is the exact motion of the equinoctial precession that gives rise to the flow of the astrological ages, a 26,000-year cycle.

Moses, like Joseph, was well versed in Egyptian astrology. As the adopted son of pharaoh's daughter he was well educated in all the mystery school wisdom of Egypt. The Hebrew word for Egypt is mitsuri, the land of mystery. In Acts 7:22 it says, "Moses was trained in all the wisdom of the Egyptians and was powerful in speech and action." He was the perfect warrior prophet for the Arian age.

Aaron's breastplate was set with twelve sacred stones each symbolizing a Hebrew tribe and thus, a zodiac sign. Joshua 4:6 says, "God is remembered by twelve stones in a circle." The Hebrews created elaborate rituals based on a lunar calendar. In astrology New Moons symbolize beginnings and the sacred feast of Israel instituted by God's commands to Moses through visions, were based on the phases of the Moon. The day of the New Moon was a day of feasting and blowing trumpets (Numbers 10:10). Psalms 81:3 says, "Sound the ram's horn at the new moon and when the moon is full, on the day of our feast." The seventh New Moon was the time of the holy convocation feast and the Full Moon of this month was the Feast of Tabernacles to celebrate harvest. The seventh sign in astrology is Libra, symbolizing balance and love and the Full Moon symbolizes illumination, vision and fulfillment, the time when emotional response is highest. Passover was observed from the Full Moon to the waning quarter, a period symbolic of illumination and the dissemination of truth.

The Age of Pisces

The Age of Aries gradually gave way to the next sign of the zodiac, Pisces, the archetype of universal love and compassion through selfless service. The three Chaldean Magi followed the star across the Arabian Desert in search of the incoming spiritual master of love. Three astrologers utilized the language of the heavens to discover the long-prophesized Hebrew Messiah. Modern research has revealed that Jesus may have been born closer to 7 BCE around the time of the Jupiter, Saturn and Uranus triple conjunction in Pisces. Every astrologer inspired to research the illusive chart of Christ has a pet theory as to the exact birth date. My own research lead me to conclude that he was born on September 16, 7 BCE around midnight in Bethlehem. In any case, the ultimate spiritual mystic arrived to teach the Way as High Priest of the Order of the Melchizedek (as the Bible refers to him in Hebrews 6:20).

Jesus embodied the Piscean archetype, linking the first sign Aries with the last sign Pisces, the alpha with the omega, starting not just one new age, but a whole cycle of twelve ages. People began spiritually cleansing themselves through the baptismal rites, as Pisces is a water element sign. Suddenly, water was sacred (as opposed to fire) and the fish became holy. Early Christians would identify themselves by drawing the sign of Pisces in the sand. Jesus spoke often of the age of his birth as a preparation age for the Age of Enlightenment to follow. He was referring to the Age of Aquarius that is symbolized by the cosmic man bearing the pitcher of the living waters of life, pouring it throughout the universe. At Jesus' first Jupiter return (age 12) he began instructing the Priests at the temple, saying to his parents, "Let me be about my work." After his first Saturn return (age 30) he became intensely devoted to teaching and demonstrating the way of unconditional love. He selected twelve disciples each with a character similar to one of the twelve signs. At the Last Supper Jesus washed the feet of the disciples. In astrology each sign governs a part of the body. Pisces symbolizes the feet.

The Bible is strangely silent on the so-called lost years of Jesus between ages 12 and 30. Some sources like The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus[3], channeled by a Christian minister at the dawn of the 20th century, tell a marlvelous story about how Jesus journeyed throughout Persia, India, Greece and Egypt walking all paths of life. The Christians maintain that he stayed home and humbly served as a carpenter all his life until he got the call to begin his ministry.

The New Testament is full of clues and insights that point to Jesus' respect and reverence for astrology. The most obvious quote is Luke 21:25 when he says, "At the end of this Age there will be signs in the sun, moon and stars…the heavenly bodies will be shaken." (Literally, the heavenly forces will be agitated.) It's in the red print. Jesus said it. He tells his twelve disciples that the age to come will be foreshadowed by signs in the heavens. That is what God said they were supposed to be used for. Signs give directions and guidance to help us navigate life.

The Age of Aquarius

The Age of Aquarius is surely on the rise! Astronomically, the Aries Ingress won't reach the first stars of Aquarius until around 2376 CE, but the symbols of Aquarius are actually alive in the imaginations of the people. Ever since the discovery of Uranus in 1781 the world has been struggling for freedom, independence and human rights in addition to great inventions and advances in science. In the year 2080 Jupiter, Saturn and Uranus will align in the sign of Aquarius similarly to the Piscean configuration of 7 BCE. On the solstice of 2020 Jupiter and Saturn will conjunct in Aquarius. The times are ripe for a new dispensation focused on creative originality, cosmic vision and universal awareness. The next time your religious friends start bad mouthing the celestial language of astrology you'll be armed with Biblical insight.

Astrology asks for a realization of our connection to space, divine being and the process of eternal change. As an intuitive, symbolic language and art of celestial cycles, it not only helps you navigate change, but also teaches you to tap your creative potential. Most people think astrology is about predicting the future, but really it is about diving into the unknown and living the mystery each day. Astrology opens the gateway within so you can discover the sacred silence and encounter the archetypes of creation. This unified spectrum of twelve images symbolizes the image of eternal being.

2009-12-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

Was losing all my friends
Was losing them to drinking and to driving
Was losing all my friends but I got them back

I am on the mend
At least now I can say that I am trying
And I hope you will forget things I still lack

It's coming to an end

Do you miss the blend
Of colours she left in your black and white field
Do you feel condemned just being there?

I am not your friend
I am just a man who knows how to feel

I'm not your friend
I'm not your lover,
I'm not your family.

healing.

2009-12-02T12:23:00.000-08:00

I'm the only one who can make myself better.

isolation.

2009-11-23T14:06:00.000-08:00

i am sick.

going home.

2009-11-19T07:48:00.000-08:00

I visited God, said my goodbyes.

He said He had plans for me and took the light out of my eyes.

"Heal this curse!" Let me be.

But He knows the truth.

I need Him like He needs me.

my mom got mad at me today.

2009-11-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

for telling my brother all the negative things about nnu.

sorry mom, truth hurts.

if this is where all negative things have followed me to.

2009-11-09T08:33:00.000-08:00

the only thing to do is escape.

girl, you keep running around tourching bridges.

2009-11-08T15:51:00.000-08:00

It wasn't worth it to me.

trust thrown away for lust.

a friendship is a valuable thing.

just be alone

2009-11-06T12:58:00.000-08:00

for a while now.

advice:

2009-10-26T13:42:00.000-07:00

stop being stupid.

I have high expectations from people.

2009-09-29T23:18:00.001-07:00

It's my biggest let down.

I constantly find myself becoming really annoyed.

I'm just

sensitive.

I just want...

2009-09-28T21:46:00.001-07:00

love, all i need is

love,

its what makes me live

this love.

All my energy is focused on love.

I just wanna I just wanna

LOVE!

I most deffinetly love

2009-09-27T22:00:00.001-07:00

not going to NNU!

It's magic.

2009-09-25T17:33:00.001-07:00

oh this love

Yes, it's a good thing to not be a fat-ass slut.

2009-09-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

but sometimes I wish I had sex.

hahaha

Don't you wish...

2009-08-24T06:54:00.001-07:00

you could make sense of it all.

I think I'd rather not.

<3

oh my love,

2009-08-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not ready to be your lady.
Yet, I'm still looking forward to holding your hand.
Sweet dreams, ipo.

work work work work work work

2009-08-06T15:17:00.000-07:00

everyday. ugh.

magic land.

2009-07-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

I get lost in my dreams and jumbled up in my head.

What I'm trying to get at is... I love my life!

So far this summer I have...

2009-07-29T14:45:00.001-07:00

White-water rafted on fathers day with dad.
Went on a family vacation to North Dakota.
Wake-boarded for my first time.
went jet-skiing and tubing a bunch.
Went to Canada.
Floated the Boise river so far 4 times.
Rode my bike a bazillion times.
Went to the Sawtooth Music Fest (for free), made some new good friends, danced on stage, killed lots of brain cells. I didn't spend one dollar.
Went on only 1 magical adventure, with Bobby.
Moved 3 times.
Got a kitten who I love and adore.
Only went to one concert so far! What?
Didn't party very much, maybe I'm growing up? Weird.
Switched colleges.
Hung out with Launa a million times.
Grew very close with a few good friends.
Started working 2 jobs.
Paid off my credit cards.
Sold my car.
Walked around downtown with Amanda lots of times.
and much much more...
there is lots more to come as well! :)

Have a good summer ya'll!

If I post another emo-post

2009-07-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

I give you permission to shoot me.
how annoying.
so in amidst of everything negative I just had a thought...
Life is good, and I'm happy.

you have to understand

2009-07-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

i feel pain
in my heart
and i can't handle it anymore

i just don't get it.

2009-07-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

I've gone 2 years being completely over him from the day we broke up.

Suddenly, all I can do is think about him.
What could have been?
Maybe I haven't been over it after all.

Also, I'm submitting a post-card to post-secret.
It's a good one.

fields and paths.

2009-06-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

Opprotunities.
Decisions.

life
live
livin
dreamin
being
breathing

My heart flew away, and I'm going to go chase it.
Fuck it.

If you read my diary you would see.
My mind is possesed by one thing
person
lover
hater
mover
being
man

he flew away.

All this fish has to do is learn to fly.

someone...

2009-06-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

anyone.. who can experience this dreamy world I live in.
I need you.
We are all connected. Yet, I am lost. A drift. Hello?
Are you there?

I guess I'll just float a while.

at this exact moment,

2009-05-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

I sit back and chuckle,

it's such a silly life.

Were all so silly!

I have so many strange and unimportant posts.

2009-04-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

Time to change that...

I realized today that I have never been ready to move on.
I'm still not ready yet,
a piece of me is so stuck with him.
I actually put our old photo out, viewable. It made me happy. I am reminded that it is a possibility that I can actually love someone. I haven't been able to do that since. This is why I know.

Only time can tell when I will get past this.

can i just say

2009-03-30T21:17:00.001-07:00

peace works
maybe not instantly

but i can promise you, it will.

PEACE!

sometimes i cry

2009-03-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

because this world hurts the earth so much,
and I just don't understand how that works.

conspicuous consumption

2009-03-10T13:41:00.002-07:00

Do we live in a culture of conspicuous consumption?
Why does buying something for yourself make you feel so good?
Why can I justify buying myself a new tattoo but I cancel my responsibility to support a kid in Africa for under a dollar a day?
What do I need from these shops and stores and malls?
Are we giving anything back to this earth other than our bills?
The other day I looked down on my meal and looked at all the paper and plastic I use just to eat a sandwich, and I asked to my friends out-loud...

Do you even wonder if the majority of things you leave on this earth are garbage?

We work so hard for our money, we worry so much over our debts,
how much of it is being used for the good of this earth?
Sure, because you work for your money it's yours, but if you want to keep leaving behind your trash that's how you will remain living. Let's give a little more, want a little less and take responsibility for our world.

For the children,
for the children.

so fake

2009-03-10T13:41:00.001-07:00

what you see from the sunrise was made 7 days ago,
and the visions in your head are signals of what was won.
The power in you energy is beyond...
you think it's so easy now but like the rest of them you will know.
how this train ride is, so breezy.
you'll learn a different version of going with the flow.
and silently you'll miss this, wishing you were who you are.
if only you knew the story behind the cover.

nnu

2009-02-27T17:54:00.000-08:00

i hate you

I wish you knew

2009-02-22T17:25:00.000-08:00

how hard it is,
to love again.

Did how know?
How much I loved, again and again?

I was always there for you,
but you became too distracted from me.

And here I am still willing to forgive.

It's not enough?
I'm fake to you?

Do you realize what you have done?
Where is your balance?
Which foot is in front of the other?
You don't know.
Hahaha.

I still forgive you, but remember love is a comprimise.

it's strange.

2009-02-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

I don't think I miss things like other people do.
I like my life now, a lot.
I love the friends that fill my head with perfect memories.
Maybe I'm careless,
maybe I am selfish,
I think I can't hold on to the friends who cared-less and let go of me for their own selfish reasons.
I may have loved you once but there's this thing about me
I like anything discarded to stay that way, even if you discard me.

Changes in the wind-

2009-01-31T00:56:00.000-08:00

the possibilities forgiveness brings.

the feeling.

it's so much easier to let go.

the feeling.

love and peace for all.

the feeling.

if i show you this can you pass it on?
the feeling.

it feels so good, so much better than before.

the feeling.

no one wants to hurt anymore.

the feeling.

so lets take these battle wounds off.

the feeling.

and shrug our shoulders to the sky.

the feeling.

and our hugs and smiles and happiness.

the feeling.

we can say it never died.

the feeling.

i can sense it all again.

the feeling.

good memories we had.

the feeling.

and the bad times we fell a victim.

the feeling.

we'll realize they weren't all that bad.

the feeling.

we'll test our trust.

the feeling.

and it's so hard.

the feeling.

but it's this lesson God teaches us.

the feeling.

you will be tested with this thing called time.

the feeling.

but if we can let go and hold on all at the same time.

the feeling.

we'll learn this most valuable lesson.

the feeling.

and all these feelings,
will become healing.

and we'll learn a little more about peace and love.

Sometimes...

2009-01-20T01:16:00.000-08:00

I make up a little dream world in my head,
its an incredible place.

Magic and joy,
I dream, breathe and live.
Magic and joy.

the world is a magical, beautiful place

2008-12-25T17:39:00.000-08:00

and I don't know how I keep forgetting it.

love
love
love

for some weird reason

2008-12-23T12:49:00.001-08:00

bad things happen to me

and i think its my fault

im done

2008-12-21T20:33:00.001-08:00

being negative

im sorry
its true

To you whom can't seem to get over yourself

2008-12-20T11:40:00.000-08:00

thanks but...
i think you need to taste your own advice

really,

i wish i mattered less in your life that everytime im around you have to bitch and moan

grow up
and get over it
is it worth the space in your brain to hold onto
guess im just that great :]

America bound!

2008-12-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

I am settling,

short.

fuck my life

Political Discussions at Dinner

2008-12-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

A group of people I hardy knew.
All filled with very stimulating and frustrating conversation.

Topic:
a desire to be appreciated,
to be loved,
and needed,
by a friend.

I wrote a letter in my mind after dinner.

Dear old friend:
I am glad you are out of my life,
we have moved past on to more simple
more surface life.
I moved on to something that feels so fake
a manikin has so much personality.
I still love you, but I no longer miss you.
I would rather feel dead inside.

just full of taco bell.

2008-12-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

I miss him more and more everyday.

It may be hard for you to understand
how alone it makes me feel.

Tell Me Why....

2008-11-17T13:26:00.000-08:00

... I should have to make any effort.

If I am happy where I am,
that is where I shall be.

And, here I am.

rewritten.

2008-10-31T09:34:00.000-07:00

i am currently writing a new blog,

but you will have to find it.

It's semi-secret and written about my friends, family members, enemies, my enemies' friends, and my experiences.

The reason I am telling you this is because I will still be using this account but not as often, and i hope by my 100th post I will be finished with it.

Hope you all have an incredible Halloween.

Peace and Love

< 3.

2008-10-21T19:52:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling? Like, where you are now is so perfect.
Everything is wonderful and you don't have a care in the world. The things that matter are right in front of you. You don't have to pick nor choose. It's perfect, wonderful, lovely, beautiful, peaceful, good. I have found myself here often lately, I love that. I couldn't ask for life to get any better.

There are so many wonderful things happening:

-school
-working!
-my new car
-yoga
-staying boyfree
-getting good grades
-paying off bills (almost completely)
-working out
-shopping

There are the true friends standing out to me. I couldn't thank this world and the beautiful people on it enough for this wonderful experience.

.pleoavcee.

in between the vanilla and amber.

2008-10-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

It's one of those funks,
stuck in a rut.

growing up tall is tough.
tall enough to see, tall enough to be.

get over it. move on?
who here has won?

growing up tall is tough.

I shake
I pray

I saw them all behind me in the mirror
you will know when you get that feeling
you know it's bad
It feels so evil

growing up tall is tough.

the karma is sweetly smelling of oranges and evergreens.

2008-10-07T20:53:00.001-07:00

good energy, attracts good energy.
that's that.

p.s. i have a car, a working phone, and i will have a job very soon
i feel like a responsible adult
imagine that?

oh, and avalon comes back in one week

my heart is fluttering.

and, when I fall in love
i think i will do it right this time

that's a good feeling
:]

raining pouring.

2008-10-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

I love life,
more than ever now.

The rain is a beautiful thing,
cleansing.

A big storm washed away the dirt in the street,
that trash we have left floating about.

Thank you God,
for bringing me peace.

breaking dice

2008-09-21T16:57:00.000-07:00

i could ask so many questions that wouldn't matter or make a difference.

at least i can say,
my feelings can't be replaced by a warm shower.

a sweet sweet bloomer.

2008-09-11T10:55:00.001-07:00

Fixing

Mending

Growing
___________________________

loose earth slipping between the roots grasp, wilting

petals fall and i bend over

recently broken, recently unrecieved

weave and reach out to earth

i will get to the solid stable ground, grab hold

feel the water, wash me

feel the sun, feed me

be still, slow down

work, grow, change

Time.

flowers will show, after I grow.

peace.

THE girl.

2008-09-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

I wish I could do better by you,
'cause that's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams
Sailing around the world
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl

When you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave
Fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost
You don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl

ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh

One, two, one two three four
I wish I could do better by you
'cause it's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
in order for this to work

<3

I wish you knew.

2008-09-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

I really don't care

at all.

You should point fingers at your friends.

So dumb, so very very dumb.

my words will be made fewer...

2008-08-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

changing, everyday.

growing, learning.

I dreamed you gave me a ring of peace, and I am understanding that you are much further on your journey compared to me. I learn quickly, and I understand now.

throwing away the past.

2008-08-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

our perfect picture in front of the sunset over the ocean.

goodbye

erasing you probably will never happen,
but I am happy to have you out of my life.

sad that I agree,

2008-08-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

"Don't search for solace in another's embrace. Everyone that we hold so dear gets lost in the static of the passing years. So , learn to be alone. Find comfort in the solitude. Harden your heart and build unbreakable will. It's the only way you'll ever survive this world."

probably the best advice I have ever heard,

doesn't mean I'm going to take it.

<3

p.s. If you ever read this Johnny, I quoted you. :]

getting over myself.

2008-08-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

Thank you kind stranger,

I guess you are right.

That could be exactly what I needed to hear.

I should be more humble,

I am very confident, and I love who I am.

Getting over myself could be a very good thing to do.

at ease?

2008-08-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i feel unappreciated.

sometimes, i deserve a thank-you ?

I think I'm pretty caring and giving.

One thing I hate, is feeling all at sea about something.

I am finding peace.

it was for freedom

2008-08-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

I fell in love again
all things go, all things go
drove to Chicago
all things know, all things know
we sold our clothes to the state
I don't mind, I don't mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

I drove to New York
in a van, with my friend
we slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind
I was in love with the place
in my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go
you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow

we had our mindset
(I made a lot of mistakes)
all things know, all things know
(I made a lot of mistakes)
you had to find it
(I made a lot of mistakes)
all things go, all things go
(I made a lot of mistakes)

in my fantasy world.

2008-08-10T21:46:00.000-07:00

with bugs in my stomach.

2008-08-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

butterflies,

I have smiled a thousand new smiles.

tough happenings.

2008-07-23T07:47:00.000-07:00

I wonder if anyone can really understand me.
My rules are not of this earth, I live by understanding, I live by feeling.

This world cannot burden me, I won't let it.

This week has been tough, but I'm happy.
Last week was easy, but I was depressed.

Sometimes, things don't go your way.
Things fall into place perfectly for whatever reason.

Life is more simple then most people make it, they turn it into something more complicated.
Maybe to feel unique. Everyone feels a little left out, a little different.
We're in this together, we are all the same.

I have simplified, turned it down.
It is the most amazing feeling I have felt.
I feel alive, but in the most simple way.
Like an animal, just living.
And that's how I feel like I should feel.

perfection.

with karma.

2008-07-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

She is now good to me, because I have been trying to be good to her.

Let good vibes flow and they should eventually come back to you

akward

2008-07-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

Andrew and I had a hazy conversation.

I asked him if he feels like were at the akward age of our life, he said no.

I feel misplaced....

......I'm going to let my mind ramble on now.

Bobby and I talked about astrology the other day, go figure.
He said that it has a lot to do with the idea of reincarnation. I have never really thought about the idea of reincarnation but I could understand a reality of it. I am a "pisces" and supposably I am, "older" than all the other sun signs.

I feel "older." The spirit inside of me is very understanding.

I want to feel young
and blind.

picking, choosing.

2008-07-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

this is my life,

I don't need your help living it.

So stop worrying or wondering.

turn on, tune in, drop out.

2008-07-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

learn from me now.

live,

experience,

slow down,

find true peace,

be quiet,

get alone,

understand the power of your mind,

stop explaining yourself,

care less,

love,

dream,

stop drowning in possesions,

understand the reality if others beliefs,

don't find the answers,

do what makes you happy.

Get away to your quiet place and meditate,

I have learned,

I am learning.

on no set path.

2008-06-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

I am just living,

and it makes me so happy.

we fear the unclear.

2008-06-28T14:40:00.000-07:00

I am no longer afraid, or anxious.

My mind is clear, and I enjoy the quiet.

Something is changing, and we are all growing up.

strong.

2008-06-27T10:41:00.001-07:00

People have let me down,

and people have had their mouths full of toxic so-and-so's.

I'm really over it.

I might just tell you good-bye and remove the bad vibes from my daily life.

Be peaceful.

sweetly shifting.

2008-06-23T01:20:00.000-07:00

Life is good.

Life is really good.

Life is really really good.

a bruised apple.

2008-06-19T23:08:00.000-07:00

Never good enough.

Sometimes I feel damaged, worn, hurt, unwanted. Strange huh? For a girl like me to feel insufficient? Well, I would like to go back to a familiar saying.

"People are never who you think they are. Learn not to be surprised and learn to let go. You'll never know what you're missing because you're already missing it. "

I heard this a few months ago, and it is one of the hardest things I have tried to understand.
I'm so sick of the world. I'm so sick of people. I have this terrible bitter taste in my mouth that won't go away. I am the bruised apple. I honestly don't know one person that can't say the same.

I wrote this in highschool, it applies more today than ever.
It's not good just full of feeling.

Connection, Cancelation
At the words of a poet I realize butterflies.
Bridges are falling and I have you hand.
The angel's voice is broken,
but you still appreciate her lips,
and I seal your tear drop letters with a passionate kiss.
Don't forget the night we spent
romantic moons float above our heads.
I forgot though,
don't try so hard,
let it happen.
Do you remember children fallen down?
I wish I could go back to skinned knees instead of broken hearts.
I check my balance, make sure I'm doing ok.
I am trying so hard but really I'm ruining everything.
I seem so out of context, this is the real me, I'm sorry.
Can't turn your lights off, but you need to move anyway.
Sorry to waste your time with stolen property.
Once we say hello you say goodbye,
and all I get is a forced hug goodnight.
Footsteps start fading, the brake is released.
I watch you leave as this terror flows through me.
Phones start ringing, lines are crossing, but you are dead,
so I ask permission of someone else to listen to me.

connection, cancellation

Did you call last night?
Did I miss it in the comfort of thought and tears?
The connection was lost but I wonder what was to be said?
Over thinking, tired, comfort is missing.
Is it me making this mistake, or am I mistaken,
am I breaking my own heart, do I have the disease?
I fall over like a tree, recently broken, recently unreceived.
These phone calls don't make the connection,
I can't finish my sentence.
Is one forced hug too many?
Sorry if I do these things that are so completely me
Is she there again in messages received?
As her connection shakes in my hand,
but dead signals are on the rise.
The prescription was filled last night,
but lost over a connection unreceived.
Maybe I can leave this disease
but tell me, is it you or me?
Don't forget these days we spent,
romantic moons float above our heads.
I forgot though,
don't try so hard,
let it happen.
I receive the message,
and it's ok.
You say a relationship of moons is not for today.
Rejection,
I'm stuck,
understanding how it will take both of us.
Will you answer me this one simple question?
Can you accept me, connection, receive,
in a moonless night
where stars light our way,
and we can be friends, until the end of our day?

poisoned.

2008-06-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

need

live.

in shallow water.

2008-06-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

If only I could tell you,

how much you mean to me.

offer a pinch.

2008-06-16T23:07:00.001-07:00

unprepared.

2008-06-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

I
think
I'm

f a l l i n g . . .

hating you.

2008-06-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

Selfish and mean.

Thank you mother for informing me of man's intentions.

___________________________________________

Dear God: when will I understand?
how many times do you have to hurt and heal to get it?
when will I believe?
how do I find faith?

afraid.

2008-06-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

I have so many options.

torn between walls, fallen and broken and ripped in two.

2008-06-09T07:25:00.000-07:00

I realize I have been a shitty person.
I have become all I have hated.
I hurt the people closest to me.
I am drawn to people who hurt me.

I'm sorry,
I'll be back soon.

there are a lot of things,

2008-06-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

I need to say
and express
and have someone else

listen

and understand.

I'm really broken.
I am all together.

I am un-appreciated
just another lost and lonely soul.

no one will know
no one

like....
I want to know you
but do you want to know me?
do you really want to know me?

I have been speechless lately,
this is very uncommon if you "know" me.

it's 11:11

Im wishing to find
someone...

who wants to know me
and i can know them
and we can matter to each other

summer.

2008-06-04T12:03:00.000-07:00

is mind blowing.

I decided...
I love every night
every morning
every unfamiliar face
and even the familiar ones

the grass
the water
walks
hot summer bod diets

I am very happy where Im at now

wishing on the leftover stars.

2008-05-29T16:33:00.000-07:00

I want to believe in love.

Will somebody show me?

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

2008-05-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

This summer is a very important chapter in my far too complex book.
I am being put together.
A hunt to unfold who is inside these defining clothes, I am finding her.
Patience is now gone, and I don't miss it.
I don't care if I seem like a chicken with its head cut off.
New people, new places, new loves

Habits: can die!

I thought summer started off poorly,
but it is exactly what I want.

There are more changes to come.

Prepare yourself,because honestly, I really don’t care if I hurt anyone in the process.

strings

2008-05-24T22:12:00.000-07:00

dear puppet.

-the karma is sweetly smelling of oranges and evergreens-

experiencing.

2008-05-19T12:32:00.000-07:00

This weekend was incredible.
I will never forget,
playing with keena and the 2 little girl they were like 2 &5 maybe.

They had long dreads,
and smiles that would light up your world.

We swung them around and played in the earth.
These are the moments that really matter.

asleep.

2008-05-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

I don't understand what's going on right now.
Who really cares anymore?
Let's forget about it and have a good time.

...

2008-05-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

What is this I hear about NNU blocking myspace?

unwanting consistancy.

2008-05-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

I found out a few things about myslef.
I fear stability, comfort, and perfection.
I hope that I travel a lot in life.
I even realized today, I might not ever get married or have kids.
Most women want that. I don't.
At the same time, I don't want to become old and lonely.
I need a sidekick.
That would be nice. A friend to just go go go with me.
I might leave and never come back, but I'm trying to do this whole running away thing right.

I'm making a lot of mistakes this summer, it has hardly even started.
I plan on changing a lot. I'm looking forward to next year a little more.

p.s. I almost cried when I thought about my roomate today.

with everybody gracefully falling.

2008-05-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

I can't hold myself up,
without you guys.

Please,
I beg you to stay.

not hiding anymore.

2008-05-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

I'm finished pretending I'm someone I'm not.
Here I come summer.
p.s. I'm really tan right now :]

finally, a goodbye to NNU.

2008-05-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

I didn't really care to say goodbye to anyone.
I was hoping to not come back.

the lowest low.

2008-04-27T00:08:00.000-07:00

don't you feel alone?

a long time ago.

2008-04-24T20:29:00.001-07:00

I wrote this a while ago.
Today, I lived this.

"(Indeed... Reality)

My heart is sound asleep.
_____________________
a thought provoking sunrise
a chilled cigarette
desire to poke holes in ones brain

tunnels

trains

this is a sad attempt at thinking
______________________

so much resposiblity,
but indeed, a fluttering heart
an excited mind
and a dreem!

indeed.

my name is wiped away,
running sounds so great.
Let's GO!
and yet, go further.
can I make this a reality? dreem

... forever is broken"

with nothing left.

2008-04-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

does anybody even read this?

To you, we are all just vapor over your morning coffee.

2008-04-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

You are so damn smart right? You have it all figured out.

You are pissed at humanity. The trouble is, you are everything that is to be pissed at. I wouldn't be the type of person to complain and rant, but unlike you I care about my friends. You are everything that I have to try to overcome. Your self worth is equal to what you can suck out of others. I am working and succeeding as you wallow and wilt so that in the future my taxes can scrape you off the ground. You look forward to a future filled with burnt earth and no hope. You are preparing your life for nothing. I don't know if this brings reasoning to who you are, I am making assumptions but they are relevant. You are selfish, you only care about yourself. You have no value in any single life but your own, but you do value foolish things like drugs and alcohol, but that still is for selfish reasons. I am finished sitting back and seeing you do this anymore. Your rambling mouth is slowly growing quiet and it is only because people are starting to see through you. Does that scare you? It should.

You should look back, you should look forward. Do you see it? There are people in your life that love you, for that is the true meaning of life. That is really what you should be searching for, LOVE. I'm not saying you need to find a woman, I am saying maybe you should value and love the ones around you. Maybe, you can stop being so pissed at everyone else all the time. Come down of your high chair, get real. Appreciate what you have been given. Appreciate that you are valued enough to recieve. Find some love deep down in your throut and tell someone that you appreciate what they are doing, have done, will do for your wilting, pitiful soul. Or maybe? Find your pulse, get up, breathe. LIVE! Who are you? Who do you think you are? Selfish, overconsuming everything from everybody. Breathe. Is there enough air in this room for you?

Can you get off your high chair?
Can you get up?
Can you move?
Does anybody else mean anything to you?
Can you move for anyone?

Maybe this might matter to you if it's a challenge. Maybe if you can win, you will care. Maybe if I can show you a bulleted list of "what's in it for me" you can move.

Will you move when you have sucked a person dry?

After taking all you can, you have given NOTHING back. You will find nothing left in that person that is worth your precious time. But, you are still up on your high chair.

What makes you think you can do this?

Do you find any reason? Who are you to sit there and decide what everybody does and will do. Even though we have done this for you already, and we have gotten you that. You are still unsatisfied, you are still wanting more. It's almost how you leave her feeling after a night of drunken harmony.Unsatisfied.

I'm not finished.

with fire in my eyes.

2008-04-23T13:35:00.001-07:00

I am begining to change. I am no longer content.
I'm sick of everything being sensored out.
Media, Internet, Education.
The real world is not like this.
It's filled with sex, drugs, death, money....
I can't sit back anymore.
It can't happen.
I am not okay with where I am, where humanity is.

" I think you and I belong in a different time period, the 70's maybe."

I found my passion.

truth.beauty.peace.love

pondering the meaning of life.

2008-04-19T23:48:00.000-07:00

It's a strange thing to do, wonder, "what if?"

Also, I have been thinking about DREAMS a lot. The things that I dream about are insane. The things everyone dreams about are insane. Think about the strangest dream you had. For me, when I'm dreaming I believe it, I am caught up in it, it is happening. That's insanity. So just about every night we all peacefully suffer with insanity. Also, this strikes many questions in my mind about reality. What is real, and what is just a figment of my mind. What is truely happening, what truely exists?

I am struggling.

help.