a bruised apple.

Never good enough.


Sometimes I feel damaged, worn, hurt, unwanted. Strange huh? For a girl like me to feel insufficient? Well, I would like to go back to a familiar saying.

"People are never who you think they are. Learn not to be surprised and learn to let go. You'll never know what you're missing because you're already missing it. "

I heard this a few months ago, and it is one of the hardest things I have tried to understand.
I'm so sick of the world. I'm so sick of people. I have this terrible bitter taste in my mouth that won't go away. I am the bruised apple. I honestly don't know one person that can't say the same.

I wrote this in highschool, it applies more today than ever.
It's not good just full of feeling.

Connection, Cancelation
At the words of a poet I realize butterflies.
Bridges are falling and I have you hand.
The angel's voice is broken,
but you still appreciate her lips,
and I seal your tear drop letters with a passionate kiss.
Don't forget the night we spent
romantic moons float above our heads.
I forgot though,
don't try so hard,
let it happen.
Do you remember children fallen down?
I wish I could go back to skinned knees instead of broken hearts.
I check my balance, make sure I'm doing ok.
I am trying so hard but really I'm ruining everything.
I seem so out of context, this is the real me, I'm sorry.
Can't turn your lights off, but you need to move anyway.
Sorry to waste your time with stolen property.
Once we say hello you say goodbye,
and all I get is a forced hug goodnight.
Footsteps start fading, the brake is released.
I watch you leave as this terror flows through me.
Phones start ringing, lines are crossing, but you are dead,
so I ask permission of someone else to listen to me.

connection, cancellation

Did you call last night?
Did I miss it in the comfort of thought and tears?
The connection was lost but I wonder what was to be said?
Over thinking, tired, comfort is missing.
Is it me making this mistake, or am I mistaken,
am I breaking my own heart, do I have the disease?
I fall over like a tree, recently broken, recently unreceived.
These phone calls don't make the connection,
I can't finish my sentence.
Is one forced hug too many?
Sorry if I do these things that are so completely me
Is she there again in messages received?
As her connection shakes in my hand,
but dead signals are on the rise.
The prescription was filled last night,
but lost over a connection unreceived.
Maybe I can leave this disease
but tell me, is it you or me?
Don't forget these days we spent,
romantic moons float above our heads.
I forgot though,
don't try so hard,
let it happen.
I receive the message,
and it's ok.
You say a relationship of moons is not for today.
Rejection,
I'm stuck,
understanding how it will take both of us.
Will you answer me this one simple question?
Can you accept me, connection, receive,
in a moonless night
where stars light our way,
and we can be friends, until the end of our day?